Self-loathing.

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Dear Diary,

           I’m afraid to look in the mirror and see all the flaws that make me me. I hate to feel the burden and shame of my insecurities. Sometimes it hurts to hear ‘it’s going to be okay’ when deep down you just know that it’s not. And when I hear my name with all the scorning and shame, I feel bad things I shouldn’t.

This is not the part where I say “LOVE YOURSELF WITH ALL YOUR FLAWS!” or that ‘NOBODY’S PERFECT’ speech I’m not even going to give.
This is from a place of real pain and hurt.

I hate me sometimes.

TV tells me that I can be whatever, whoever, even however I want to be, yet it only shows me I must be a certain way.
If it isn’t perfect, skinny, macho or pretty, then you’re no one cause you don’t fit.
Boy, that puts pressure on me.

My mother always did say God never makes mistakes. So can someone then tell me why I still hate that I am this way?

And no, this is not the part where I say “LOVE YOURSELF WITH ALL YOUR FLAWS” or that speech about nobody being perfect, which I’m not about to give. Deep down there’s a pain, from all the scorn and hurt.

I hate me sometimes.

I hate the curve between my knees and feet.
I hate the gap in between my teeth.
I hate the look of my face in the morning.
But sometimes the things that I hate the worst and yet the things that I love the most.
Dear Diary, tell me why.
Why?

Why isn’t this the part where I boldly say “LOVE YOURSELF WITH ALL YOUR FLAWS!!” or give a moving speech about the imperfection that is innate in our humanity?
Why this pain? Why this hurt? Why these insecurities?

Why do I still hate me sometimes?

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3 thoughts on “Self-loathing.

  1. At least you’re a dude. You don’t carry half de burden girls carry. And by girls, I mean me. Why are Beyonce and Jennifer Aniston pretty and I’m not. So unfair….. I feel ur pain brother…..wait o, so ur sad about ur legs and de gap between ur teeth?
    SMH…… ur so spoilt

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