Grievances part 1

Dear Diary,

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A few things grieve me deeply.

1. My ears that itch like a particular sonofa*#%h whenever I don’t have any cotton bud to clean then and suddenly become sparkling clean and itch-free the minute I buy a pack of cotton buds.

2. People that ask how my night was. Seriously, was I supposed to sit up and watch the night pass? I have a life. I was asleep. Duh!!!

3. Cockroaches that switch to winged mode whenever I’m chasing them. That thing is like witchcraft plus horror movies plus Jim-Iyke’s-lips-touching-your-skin-level of grossness all in one.

4. This particular picture of a Mr Universe Nigeria contestant.

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Does he want to poop? Does he have diarrhoea? Constipation? Cardiac arrest? Who even selects these people anyway?

5. Some of the other contestants. Shake your head with me as we both peruse.

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Me too. I am worried.

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Haha. Fish face!!!

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Despite all the labour he is apparently putting in to look sexy (FAIL) abs no show. Chai!!!

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See the one they put to represent my beloved Cross River State.

6. This screen shot from a Yoruba movie.

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Please God. Stop yoruba film makers before they ruin us all.

7. Mariah Carey’s plenty plenty hand and head movements whilst she sings.

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Madam please stay one place. All that hand-flitting is giving me a headache. You can’t even sing like before. Stop using your fingers and flailing arms to distract us from your obvious lack of vocal je ne sais quoi.

8. People that will yab me for dissing the Queen Mariah Carey.

9. The skinny Jennifer Hudson.

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Girl, put on some weight!!!

10. What was the inspiration behind the expression “wee hours of the morning”? I get that it means early hours of the morning. But what’s the ‘wee’ all about?

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10 thoughts on “Grievances part 1

  1. Goodness. See how iLeapt for joy when iScrolled back up and saw “Part 1”. Out with Part 2 and perhaps 3, plausibly 4 and who knows, maybe there’d be a 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10. Goodness! This is all jez too funny. I can’t lol enough… and ps, my stomach hurts already. Of course from laughin’ stupid silly at these things (and people too).

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You know…cotton buds don’t do de trick for me. I wish der was something you cud use to just scoop all de ear wax out or just flush out ur ears. And yes…yes I was SMH while going Tru those abominations of nature called photographs. Wat in God’s name were they thinking……I was looking and I was just going like…why? Why?why? Why? *deep breathe* A byway, didn’t know Mariah Carey still had a career in music. And nonso stop jealousies Jenifer Hudson, she looks sexier now.

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  3. You know….cotton buds don’t do de trick for me. I wish der was something you cud use to just scoop all de ear wax out or just flush out ur ears. And yes…yes I was SMH while going Tru those abominations of nature called photographs. Wat in God’s name were they thinking……I was looking and I was just going like…why? Why?why? Why? *deep breathe* A byway, didn’t know Mariah Carey still had a career in music. And nonso stop jealousies Jenifer Hudson, she looks sexier now.

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  4. Hahaha! 1) I know how many times I have experienced the exact same thing when I get a cotton bud and the itch’s all gone after catching trips with me. 2) Now I know not to ask you cause your night apparently’s always a bore :p 3) I simply can’t deal with cockroaches winged or not…too scary. 4) Nooo that’s his “pity me I don sufa for this life” face. 5) Oga neck de pain unto smh! 6) I simply watch Yoruba movies to have a good laugh. 7) Poor Mariah, my heart goes out to her. Did you hear of the drop in sales of her album or something like that? 8) Not meeee!! 9) 😦 so is that what you think of me too? That is where it ends jare which one is 10) again.

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