Dear Diary,

1. Distance yourself from anyone that tells you that there are too many onion slices in your stew. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life. You can never, I repeat, YOU CAN NEVER cook with too many onions. Or crayfish or pepper or whatever it is you like.


2. Never show up as a house guest without a little gift. Your mother raised you better than that. But in the event that she didn’t, you can always get re-educated. A bottle of wine for TV or heart-to-heart talk, ice cream for a girlfriend or mother with kids, perfume for someone you hope will like you, apples for the health enthusiast, suya for no good reason…or sleep-overs, chicken for vegetarians just to piss ’em off. Or chocolates, flowers, a diamond ring, chewing gum.


3. The guy sitting beside me is chewing his food like a camel. Should I slap him?

4. For Goodness sake, let us not kill Christmas finally!! Get a tree this year, wrap a gift for a sibling or parent and put their name on the wrap on the night of Christmas Eve and hide it under the tree, and on Christmas morning watch the light in their eyes as they unwrap their vintage earmuffs or whatever utterly unnecessary gift you choose to get.


5. Tonight say a prayer for the girls still missing from the Chibok village. A little prayer will go a long way.

6. If your parents never taught you by example to go after your dream, teach yourself.

7. Forget what I said that you can never cook with too much pepper. You can. And if you do, please do not invite me because after I ingest all that pepper I will curse you and DIE.


8. Lagos would have been a nicer city if it was planned. But it wasn’t. So it isn’t. So Seattle or New York for me please.


9. I have a crush on one of my bosses. Is that allowed?

10. The Holy Spirit is a person, not a thing…and definitely not a dove. A ‘He’, not an ‘it’. So treat him like someone with feelings, because He has feelings.


18 thoughts on “

  1. I died at #1. There is such a thing as too much onions o. Seriously though, i enjoy cooking with onions, but i don’t want to see it. That means it has to be very finely diced or blended with tomato. Very weird I know. I do love crayfish though.

    #4. Don’t judge me, but I only become very aware of Christmas on Christmas eve. For some reason, I am able to tune out all the advertising that begins in October, till a day before Christmas. I guess in my mind, we are celebrating the birth of Christ. Everything else is ceremonial. Of course that means that there are usually no Christmas presents or trees in my apartment. I figured that when i have my own family, maybe i’ll care more about the extras that come with Christmas.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I have so missed you! yeah! i declare it in public…..rofl!! Dont mind the weird looks about bringing a gift along, you’ll need the skill when you do move to New York or Seattle. I raised you well…lol


  3. Pardon me, but what’s the point of getting the unnecessary gift if it wouldn’t be beneficial to them? Just to show that you care/love them? To do that, shouldn’t you put more thought in your gift and get them something useful to the individual person?


  4. SMH! Thank you Nonso as always you gave me reasons to have a good laugh. Pardon my numbering o. Just had to.
    1) I think that has to do with our mums’ (Akwa Ibom), especially the crayfish.
    2) This is cool, I do it when I remember. Hope I remember more often, cause I don’t visit much.
    3) SLAP the taste buds off his tongue jare, it’s so irritating.
    4) Omo that Christmas one af over dead.
    5) Sure thing.
    6) Note to self.
    7) I can endure it to an extent thanks to a dear friend (God bless her soul) back in school eating with her meant getting dehydrated in the process.
    8) New York for me.
    9) Yeah! Just don’t let the reverse be the case.
    10) Person? I’d rather “being”, definitely not an “it”.


  5. This was a hilarious post, Chai, see me laughing like there is no tomorrow when I’m supposed to be starting off a 20 page report due at 4pm. Lovely post, held me from first word to the last. Nonso’s rantings… Please don’t slap the boy and thanks for the tip on gifting house guests…evidence of the gentleman that you are. One last thing, I have missed you sorely!!! *Hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

    • Every time I show up with chocolates or wine to someone’s house, they look at me like I’m a weird person and then feel inadequate as if I came to start a party they were clearly not prepared for.

      I’m just being courteous here.


      • It’s the proper thing to do. It appears unpopular I know but it is such a refreshingly thoughtful quality to have. Maybe I don’t get that many weird looks cos I’m female but I definitely appreciate when guests extend that same gesture…like suya for a sleepover or pizza and popcorn and juice for a movie night, even if I already had some. Just makes it a mini love feast type thing. Being courteous rocks!!! Love you dude and now I’m actually off to write that report. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Lol! I agree *nods*

    2 things: don’t slap the guy! Your mama taught you better. Offer him some of her lessons from your preschool days 😀 offer NICELY! *cough* secondly, its safe to crush. Luckily its just a crush. Just don’t crush yourself by going to tell her. If you do…well, there’s still GOD! (Note: this is serious and not a Dame Patience joke, ehen)

    Thanks for helping to light up my face a bit this morning. Cheers 🙂



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