1. Distance yourself from anyone that tells you that there are too many onion slices in your stew. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life. You can never, I repeat, YOU CAN NEVER cook with too many onions. Or crayfish or pepper or whatever it is you like.
2. Never show up as a house guest without a little gift. Your mother raised you better than that. But in the event that she didn’t, you can always get re-educated. A bottle of wine for TV or heart-to-heart talk, ice cream for a girlfriend or mother with kids, perfume for someone you hope will like you, apples for the health enthusiast, suya for no good reason…or sleep-overs, chicken for vegetarians just to piss ’em off. Or chocolates, flowers, a diamond ring, chewing gum.
3. The guy sitting beside me is chewing his food like a camel. Should I slap him?
4. For Goodness sake, let us not kill Christmas finally!! Get a tree this year, wrap a gift for a sibling or parent and put their name on the wrap on the night of Christmas Eve and hide it under the tree, and on Christmas morning watch the light in their eyes as they unwrap their vintage earmuffs or whatever utterly unnecessary gift you choose to get.
5. Tonight say a prayer for the girls still missing from the Chibok village. A little prayer will go a long way.
6. If your parents never taught you by example to go after your dream, teach yourself.
7. Forget what I said that you can never cook with too much pepper. You can. And if you do, please do not invite me because after I ingest all that pepper I will curse you and DIE.
8. Lagos would have been a nicer city if it was planned. But it wasn’t. So it isn’t. So Seattle or New York for me please.
9. I have a crush on one of my bosses. Is that allowed?
10. The Holy Spirit is a person, not a thing…and definitely not a dove. A ‘He’, not an ‘it’. So treat him like someone with feelings, because He has feelings.