Butts. Bodypart or Pop Culture fashion accessory?


Dear Diary,

 

This year, the butt has been catapulted to SUPER number one must-have body part status, thanks to Nicki Minaj’s buns hun, Jennifer Lopez and Iggy Azelea’s combined booty effort and now this. Kim’s Internet-breaking Kardashians.
nicki-minaj-booty-butt-anaconda-instagram-meme-11__oPtB2O3ZPUCQAA6HQu
Black pop culture has always been all about the gangsta, the ratchet, the sass-mouthin, neck-rollin, girrrl-callin, finger-snappin, ass-whoopin way of being, and of course, the booty.
Now it is generally cool to have a big behind.

*Who is behind these trends anyway? Who determines what is cool and what isn’t?
*What’s gonna happen to those who don’t have big butts?
*What about those who spend hilarious sums of money to get butt implants and die?
*What happens to the butt when butts become “so last fall”?

There was this guy I saw on TV that spent $30,000 to look like Justin Bieber then when JB was EVERYTHING. But now that he isn’t how does creepy 30 year old Justin Bieber wannabe with incredibly high Cher-like cheekbones feel when he walks down the street and no one seems to acknowledge OR EVEN CARE that he looks like Justin Bieber?
Butts are not a statement. Butts are not a fashion accessory. Butts are not suddenly a cool thing to have (that’ll only be ditched soon after Kim Kardashian, JLo and Nicki lose importance), so they show stop being treated as such.
Black people have generally carried larger butts than the rest of humanity behind them for centuries. Why is it suddenly something pop culture raves about and will ditch for some other stupid trend once someone else catches its fickle interest?

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LAGOSIAN DEVELOPMENT PLAN : HOUSES IN THE SKY


Dear Diary,

Lagos is growing at an exponential rate and due to the fast diminishing availability of land, we need to build Houses in the sky.

Lagos is growing, more people are appearing. House prices are crazy. Yet whenever I see housing estates springing up, they are disappointingly still ground level houses.

Do we not see that the population is only going to increase and Lagos doesn’t have that much land to spare? So all the land owners and builders, why don’t you approach accommodation more sensibly and futuristically and build houses in the sky?
Yes it would cost more, but you will earn more, and of course there will be more space for people to live in comfortably and in the long run, it would be more cost-effective.

There’s no more land, but there is a lot of sky. So let’s do like the Asians, build high rise housing, develop the slums and not-so-fancy areas of living into affordable chic residential settlements. Give people affordable spaces to live above sea level. The ‘Island’ wasn’t always this fancy. It was a swamp. But look what vision has brought it.

We can do the same with Ijora, Ajegunle, Ebutte Metta, Ogba, Isolo, Shomolu, Ojota, Ikorodu

LAGOSIAN DEVELOPMENT PLAN : CONCERT HALLS NEEDED


Dear Diary,

Today I will talk about my third point concerning Lagos’ growth and development.
Concert Halls, no more Malls.

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All the shops on Adeniran Ogunsanya and Bode Thomas, Surulere, all them ones at Allen and Opebi, Ikeja, have people finished buying what’s inside?
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All the markets we have in Lagos that have people literally dragging you by the hair, arms and clothes to come patronise them are still there, but we are still building more malls. 

Shebi Woolworths has packed up because they were not selling? Who would have gone to buy any of those ridiculously expensive things when Balogun market still meets every Saturday? Now I hear Gucci is coming. Hmmmm.

Anyway, my point is, we have a growing music industry and more and more concerts are happening but we do not have proper halls or outdoor centres built strictly for the purpose of concerts, like Radio City, Lincoln Centre, The Apollo in New York.
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The National Theatre pictured below,
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is basically out of commission and that area is unsafe, no help from the Government there. All we have now is Eko Hotel.
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Eko Hotel that charges outrageous sums despite the fact that the Power supply there is more epileptic than it is at my house in Idi Araba, Surulere.

(oops, I just gave away my location)

They tore down that Ikoyi shopping centre and I prayed that someone would have the vision to build a proper concert hall, a commodity we lack in Lagos, Nigeria’s entertainment hub. A concert hall that can cater to rockstar-Beyoncé-Madonna-Black Eyed Peas-Michael Jackson type concerts as well as small intimate shows. A beautiful edifice we can make key holders and souvenirs of, like the Stature of Liberty and the Eiffel tower of New York and Paris.
But no, they are building yet another mall.

And I can only sigh.

LAGOSIAN DEVELOPMENT PLAN : NO MORE CHILDREN FOR BEGGARS


Dear Diary,

Lagos, as I said, is fast becoming a world city, an internationally recognised metropolis, the major hub of business in West Africa and one of the reasons Nigeria has become the 25th largest economy in the world.

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However, somethings need to be done.
I started with my opinion on the need to ban further formation of new churches taking up space that can be used to companies and job opportunities that would be better for the economy than another prayer space.
Today I continue with another harsh medicinal point.

2.       Ban beggars from reproducing.
Notice how rich people or members of the upper and at times lower middle classes of society with the means to provide for their families hardly ever have more than 4 children? At least in this day and age.
But you also must have noticed how beggar women pile their children on their heads, tie them on their backs or make them trail behind in their numbers to go about the street begging.

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China had an interesting way of dealing with this. They banned ALL families from having over 2 children. Because they are sensible, they had their economists and statistical demographers look into the future and they saw that the numerous child-having habit wasn’t gonna help them in the future. So they sensibly opted to nip it in the bud.

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One family. One child.

But no, here in Nigeria you must at least have 5 or you haven’t started. Let me at this point remind you that jobs are already so hard to get. Not as many people are as enterprising as would be healthy for our economy, the Universities churn out more graduates than most others in the world, 3 quarters of whom are airheads, or cannot get jobs, or have not the wherewithal to startup businesses to support themselves, hence everyone is completely dependent on the Government for handouts, and of course desperation and corresponding crime rates will only be on the skyrocketing path.

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This doesn’t seem right o.
It’s already hard enough for folks from comfortable families to get jobs, we haven’t yet of a child of a beggar becoming President, they have almost no access to the education they . So I think the society can do without beggar children who become more criminals than Upstanding members of society.

LAGOSIAN DEVELOPMENT PLAN: NO MORE NEW CHURCHES!!


Dear Diary,

           Lagos is a fast growing world  metropolis and it NEEDS certain improvements or changes to enable it cope with the rapid growth and not-so-corresponding development.
I shall be posting my views and opinions one by one, daily.

1. No more new churches.
Take note Redeemed Christian Church of God. I’m tired of seeing 6 of you in one street, and behind my house, with nothing tangible to show for your presence therein. I would have thought that the church is a congregation of light-bearers and salts-of-the-earth. Alas, in spite of the pervading presence of numerous churches in Lagos, crime abounds, healthcare still is above the reach of the needy, instead of education to be made available for the not-so-wealthy, the church creates schools with insane costs of tuition and not-as-high corresponding standards of education.

The only sign of the presence of the numerous church gatherings on our streets is the noise. The incessant ‘holy’ noise.

There is the Mountain of Fire gathering that screams death by fire every other morning on my street. They won’t pray for peace in our nation, they won’t  take out of the offerings and tithes they raise to fix the deplorable little road of our street, they won’t have a cook-out to feed hungry children, they won’t visit the hospital nearby with food and provision. No. They will only pray with fire from their tiny concave. Or is it conclave? There are more than 5 churches in my tiny street and there is no development therein.

I’m not blaming the church for the state of the areas in which it finds itself or accruing the entire responsibility of providing much needed infrastructure the Government has failed oh so graciously in providing for its citizens on the church, but then again, isn’t it only fitting that the church steps up to do what the society has failed to do in only so pragmatic ways, healthcare, love, accessible education? What does the church do with our money? God’s money? Other than clothing the Pastors and buying them more jets than billionaires all over the world of course.

Please no more preaching and praying until I see you show actual real original (Nollywood) love.

I believe it was St Ignatius who said “Preach the Gospel. If necessary, use words.”

Whatever happened to adding value to the community? No, the church only takes and takes and never gives back.
Don’t get me wrong, many churches are getting it right. Like the one I go to.

(No names called)

(The Waterbrook Church).

But for every 100, only 5 churches try to do the right thing.

So, the Lagos State Government should ban further formation of new churches. No one should be allowed to sell property or rent to any new church. Let the numerous ones already on ground learn to get the work of God done. Abeg, we need the space the extra useless churches are occupying to pray for wealth and  miraculous job opportunities to actually build offices and business spaces to help curb the unemployment rate that isn’t getting lower.
Lagos is not the only God-fearing city in the world. Of which, even that God-fearing status it claims, is highly disputable

What Would Heaven Actually Look Like?


Dear Diary,

       What does heaven look like?

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According to Biblical Descriptions of Heaven, there is a constant chant of holy angels that are continually proclaiming Holy, Holy, Holy over the throne of God.  The Mercy Seat in heaven where God sits is surrounded by magnificent angels full of glory and power that proclaim and bless the holy name of God without ceasing. 

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Some of these are described as beasts, full of eyes, with six wings and neither rest day or night in their proclaiming the holiness of God (Rev. 4:8-11).

Ok cool. Butt not enough.

Jesus did say that in his father’s house there are many mansions. And somewhere else he said he would give us the desires of our hearts.

Here’s the thing. I don’t like mansions.
Having a mansion as my own isn’t the desire of my heart.
And I don’t want to imagine that heaven is just a vast glorious land of mansions and more mansions. It would look like Nigeria, if Nigerians all had the money they so desired…especially the Igbo-build-a-big-house-in-the-village type of Nigerians.

Which brings me back to the question “What does heaven look like?”

Searching Google Images for ideas on what people suppose heaven looks like, I only saw numerous photos of clouds, congregating saints and Disney-type castle cities on the clouds with a bright rainbow on top.

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I want to believe that heaven is just a better, ideal, more glorious and utopian version of what we’ve seen here on earth. And more.

So,

1. Is there an economy?

2. Are there skyscrapers, expressways, subways, bridges, parks, mountains, weather changes, townhouses, suburbs, housing estates?

3. Is it just a vast extension of more and more mansions?
I don’t particularly like mansions or big houses. I want a penthouse suite in the heart of the city overlooking the city, the Throne Room and all that. Can that be made available or do I have to settle for a mansion?

4. How do the saints move around heaven? Heaven is a big big city filled with the faithful who died since the beginning of time till now. So there must be some sort of transportation, right? Are there heavenly rails, cars? Do we fly or move at the speed of light?

5. Back to the question of an economy. Is there one? There should be some sort of economic activity. I mean, if the economy was ultimately God’s idea, then heaven shouldn’t be devoid of it. Don’t saints buy and sell?

6. If there is an economy, what are the various aspects of it? There probably wouldn’t be much construction work going on when all the saints have gathered for all eternity. So what others could there be? Agriculture? Media? Technology? Finance? Literature? Art? Commerce? Food? Fashion? Would the saints just be sitting idle playing with animals and trees and waiting for the next worship session?

7. Speaking of fashion, would we be in white robes for all eternity? Talk about hardcore minimalism. Ummm, Jesus, what would happen to fashion? I like pants, dungarees, shirts, jackets, trench coats, SHOES, perfume. I mean, robes and tunics are nice but they are not my style. Will high heel shoes, boots and brogues disappear from existence in heaven? Will we all be relegated to forever wearing robes and sandals? I shudder at the thought.

8. I am mischievous. So I want to look for people’s trouble, fart and run away. Would I be able to do that?

9. Will there be food in heaven? I may be picky, but I love food. Will there be parties, wine, loud GOSPEL music, car races, sunglasses, leather jackets and power bikes, beaches?

C’mon God. If man in all his frailty, flawed imagination and limitations could have created Barcelona, Rome, New York, London, Dubai, Venice, Sun City, Jerusalem, Washington, Seattle, Chicago, Rio de Janeiro, Aspen, Athens and all the beautiful cities of the earth, then I am confident that heaven must be an even better masterpiece.

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Utopia.

On Psquare’s Testimony Lyrics


Now Dear Diary,

Today we will talk lyrics. Psquare. Testimony.

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     Let us talk about the lyrics of this hit song and try to explain them to see if they make sense in reality, or not.

So the chorus says
Now I’m giving my testimony o“. Hence Peter and Paul have gone through some hard times and have emerged victorious and are here to encourage us with their testimony.
I’m killing the beat and i’m giving them hit o…eeeeh“. Well, they are hip artists and they create hit music from whatever beat comes their way. Good for them.
Now i’m giving them everything o…oooo
I’m not quite sure what everything is in this context. Perhaps, they mean that like Mary J Blige and other soul singer (which they are not), they put their entire heart into their art and performances and leave their soul on the stage after each performance.

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I’m only saying. Perhaps. I’ve never been to an actual Psquare concert.
I’m living my life, I don chop money….eh eh eh!
For all the non-speakers of Nigerian Pidgin, this means that they are living large and lavishly. 
I don taste money…eeeeh eh!
They have tasted the good life. Good for them.

VERSE 1
My guy I’m allergic to poverty (you say wetin)
They address the listener and inform him…(my guy) that they are allergic to poverty. Although, I wonder how true that is. Weren’t they like, really poor before they broke into the limelight? Maybe not, cause they are allergic to it, because they’ve never experienced it.
So I’m using my sense to dey gather the properties eh!
They are investing in real estate…with their senses???
(okay naw)…
“No time o
They cannot slack or be dull.
Like the statue of liberty. Nobody knows tomorrow
I still don’t get the point of this. I mean, I get that no one knows the future so they are making hay while the sun shines. But what has the stature of Liberty got to do with this. Maybe they just wanted to rhyme so bad, with properties. Hence, the stature of liberty.

Totally senseless.

So I’ll be holding my destiny eeeeh!”
Yeah…

PRE-CHORUS
As e be say na jungle o…oooo
Some people dey bubble o….eh!
I continue the struggle o…oooo
The struggle dey double my hustle o….eh!”

I guess this could be that some people are living well despite the tough economic situation in the country. And they (Psquare) are continuing their hustle to avoid falling beneath the desired standard of living to which they have become accustomed.

HOOK
“Na my testimony, testimony, my testimony
I don chop, i don taste money….eeeeh!
I don taste money….eeeeh!
Na my testimony, testimony, my testimony
I don chop, i don taste money….eeeeh!
I don taste money….eeeeh!”

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This is their testimony. They are rich and they live quite well. Basically!

Je m’appelle chop money eh eh!

Their name is ‘chop money’.

VERSE 2
Eh!
It’s good to be saving for raining days (na so)
Cause e no easy eh!
Life is a daily cake….oooo
So make una see me as evidence
Baba God na my confidence
His blessings are endless o eh!”

Ok, this is tricky. First, it is imperative to save and invest because life is tough. The life is a daily cake part, I don’t get it. But their lives are evident to the fact that in God lies their confidence and He blesses them endlessly.

So basically, they live well and they save sensibly and they trust in God to keep blessing them continually as they churn out hits, make money, live well and keep saving and investing sensibly.

Ok the truth is, at the beginning I was out to tear down the song as senseless and stupid. But it so turns out that it is a pretty good message.

1. Do your work or business well
2. Live well
3. But save and invest wisely
4. Trust God to keep blessing the works of your hands.

Good job. Except for the stature of liberty part.