9 Thoughts of an Amazing Nigerian Blogger Boy.

1.   Lagbaja has refused to show his face still. I kinda respect him for that. Or did he open his face at some point in time when I wasn’t looking?
Ego has hereby faded into oblivion. Where did she go sef? Why did she leave Lagbaja?
Ego???

2. D’Banj basically has become a useless whats-his-face without Don Jazzy. Now Don Jazzy is making all the hits with Tiwa Savage and D’Banj must be somewhere out there in the cold, gnashing his teeth, drinking his Koko garri with salt and fish, Or just an energy drink, wishing, just wishing. 

3. Me too I want to do song with Don Jazzy o. Anyone who reads this and knows someone who knows someone that knows him should link us up o. Please. I can be a great star and I am forever loyal.

4. Where on earth is Tara Reid?

5. I had a dream, did a music video with Phyno, the name of the song was………..wait for it………..’Bitch Face’.

Don’t judge me.

6. I will soon start posting videos on Youtube. Videos of me singing of course.
Watch out!!!

7. I think Nigeria is the only country in the world without steady (or close to steady) power supply. I haven’t Googled it. I don’t think I need to. Just tell me if I’m right or wrong. But I feel I’m right. This country is a jungle.

8. I shouted at one man at the International Airport Immigration desk on my return to Lagos. He tried to skip the line and I went out of my way to cause a scene shouting down daggers and thunderbolts on the man. At some point he started to cuss in Yoruba and from the depths of my soul I raged “SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! AT YOUR AGE YOU CANNOT SET A GOOD EXAMPLE BY STANDING IN LINE. FILTHY IMBECILE!!! IDIOTS LIKE YOU GIVE NIGERIA A BAD NAME!!!!

When I was done, the incredible hulk vanished and the immigration officials came begging me to calm down, and of course they made sure the ugly eel was attended to last. And I left smiling, fine as ever.

9. This morning, while I was walking to work, the Federal Road Safety Corps stopped me and tried to arrest me. I asked them why, seeing as I was WALKING, they told me I was too fine to be walking the streets thereby constituting a hazard to those driving past who may be in too much awe of my presence and crash into a pole or other not-so-glorious pedestrians.

*puts on sunshades*
*adjusts shirt*

If only.

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Rants on May D and other phenomenon

Dear Diary

I was coming home from a prayer meeting in church (p.s. I never knew those could be so refreshing. p.p.s. The small chops afterwards….Lord have mercy!! I might just switch from choir to prayer squad)
P.P.P.S. Doesn’t the name “PRAYER SQUAD just sound like a team of holy ninjas kicking demon butt Corinthian style? Cool, huh?

Anyway, before I was rudely interrupted by my own wandering mind, I was saying I was on my way home late from the meeting and the bus radio (YES. THE BUS!!!)
FOCUS NONSO!!!

The bus radio was playing May D’s only hit song “So many tins”. Anyway, the point of this isn’t to pick on May D for his obvious lack of something I am not going to mention but I am guessing you already know Dear Mr (or Ms) Diary.
What I want to ask you dear diary is why. Why has the word ‘things’ turned to ‘tins’ in Nigeria? When did they summon a meeting to discuss this change? Why didn’t I get a memo?

I have so many tins to ask you sef.
1. Why do we like to say things two-two times? Like follow follow, ten ten naira, talk talk and others.
2. How come our famous artists can’t sing? And how come the ones that can actually sing are forced to sing crap just to sell?
3. When did skinny jeans become the fad?
4. Why am I always bored?
5. Why am I just an amazing person? I mean. I just can’t…I can’t even….i mean.
6. If NAMA, NCAA and NiMet finally merge, will I be fired along with most of the people that shall go?
7. Why did God create hunger and fatigue? Why do we have to eat and sleep?
8. Why is this agbero man sitting beside me peering into my phone and looking at me?
9. Oh God. Am I safe?
10. I cover myself with the Blood of Jesus! !! No weapon formed against me shall prosper!!!

Le sigh.

I’m locked outside my house…this night

Dear Diary,
       I locked myself out of my own house and am upstairs at my neighbour’s. Nice job Nonso. Nice job!!
      They have on some Nigerian movie. I cannot possibly roll my eyes hard enough. Emeka Ezuro-whats-his-face, Jim Iyke and some other people who’s faces I know but names I don’t. The acting is so…well you know how terrible movies shot and produced in Asaba are. I would know this, because I visited Asaba one time. Please don’t ask me what took me there. All I will say is a certain Vivienne Nkem chick took me there.
The night we got there Whitney Houston died.
That’s the end of spontaneity for me.
And that’s also the end of this crummy movie in which Mike….ehen, it’s Mike Ezuronye, not Emeka, abi am I mistaken? What’s the name of that fair guy who is always angry or arrogant in his movies?
The wigs the ladies have on in this movie ehn!!!
Where is my Jackie Collins novel anyway? I’d rather be reading. Oh yeah, I left it downstairs…with my key, and everything I own…which isn’t much…but it’s all still mine.
Crap!!!

Oops. I meant “To God be the Glory”