LAGOSIAN DEVELOPMENT PLAN: NO MORE NEW CHURCHES!!


Dear Diary,

           Lagos is a fast growing world  metropolis and it NEEDS certain improvements or changes to enable it cope with the rapid growth and not-so-corresponding development.
I shall be posting my views and opinions one by one, daily.

1. No more new churches.
Take note Redeemed Christian Church of God. I’m tired of seeing 6 of you in one street, and behind my house, with nothing tangible to show for your presence therein. I would have thought that the church is a congregation of light-bearers and salts-of-the-earth. Alas, in spite of the pervading presence of numerous churches in Lagos, crime abounds, healthcare still is above the reach of the needy, instead of education to be made available for the not-so-wealthy, the church creates schools with insane costs of tuition and not-as-high corresponding standards of education.

The only sign of the presence of the numerous church gatherings on our streets is the noise. The incessant ‘holy’ noise.

There is the Mountain of Fire gathering that screams death by fire every other morning on my street. They won’t pray for peace in our nation, they won’t  take out of the offerings and tithes they raise to fix the deplorable little road of our street, they won’t have a cook-out to feed hungry children, they won’t visit the hospital nearby with food and provision. No. They will only pray with fire from their tiny concave. Or is it conclave? There are more than 5 churches in my tiny street and there is no development therein.

I’m not blaming the church for the state of the areas in which it finds itself or accruing the entire responsibility of providing much needed infrastructure the Government has failed oh so graciously in providing for its citizens on the church, but then again, isn’t it only fitting that the church steps up to do what the society has failed to do in only so pragmatic ways, healthcare, love, accessible education? What does the church do with our money? God’s money? Other than clothing the Pastors and buying them more jets than billionaires all over the world of course.

Please no more preaching and praying until I see you show actual real original (Nollywood) love.

I believe it was St Ignatius who said “Preach the Gospel. If necessary, use words.”

Whatever happened to adding value to the community? No, the church only takes and takes and never gives back.
Don’t get me wrong, many churches are getting it right. Like the one I go to.

(No names called)

(The Waterbrook Church).

But for every 100, only 5 churches try to do the right thing.

So, the Lagos State Government should ban further formation of new churches. No one should be allowed to sell property or rent to any new church. Let the numerous ones already on ground learn to get the work of God done. Abeg, we need the space the extra useless churches are occupying to pray for wealth and  miraculous job opportunities to actually build offices and business spaces to help curb the unemployment rate that isn’t getting lower.
Lagos is not the only God-fearing city in the world. Of which, even that God-fearing status it claims, is highly disputable

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What Would Heaven Actually Look Like?


Dear Diary,

       What does heaven look like?

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According to Biblical Descriptions of Heaven, there is a constant chant of holy angels that are continually proclaiming Holy, Holy, Holy over the throne of God.  The Mercy Seat in heaven where God sits is surrounded by magnificent angels full of glory and power that proclaim and bless the holy name of God without ceasing. 

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Some of these are described as beasts, full of eyes, with six wings and neither rest day or night in their proclaiming the holiness of God (Rev. 4:8-11).

Ok cool. Butt not enough.

Jesus did say that in his father’s house there are many mansions. And somewhere else he said he would give us the desires of our hearts.

Here’s the thing. I don’t like mansions.
Having a mansion as my own isn’t the desire of my heart.
And I don’t want to imagine that heaven is just a vast glorious land of mansions and more mansions. It would look like Nigeria, if Nigerians all had the money they so desired…especially the Igbo-build-a-big-house-in-the-village type of Nigerians.

Which brings me back to the question “What does heaven look like?”

Searching Google Images for ideas on what people suppose heaven looks like, I only saw numerous photos of clouds, congregating saints and Disney-type castle cities on the clouds with a bright rainbow on top.

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I want to believe that heaven is just a better, ideal, more glorious and utopian version of what we’ve seen here on earth. And more.

So,

1. Is there an economy?

2. Are there skyscrapers, expressways, subways, bridges, parks, mountains, weather changes, townhouses, suburbs, housing estates?

3. Is it just a vast extension of more and more mansions?
I don’t particularly like mansions or big houses. I want a penthouse suite in the heart of the city overlooking the city, the Throne Room and all that. Can that be made available or do I have to settle for a mansion?

4. How do the saints move around heaven? Heaven is a big big city filled with the faithful who died since the beginning of time till now. So there must be some sort of transportation, right? Are there heavenly rails, cars? Do we fly or move at the speed of light?

5. Back to the question of an economy. Is there one? There should be some sort of economic activity. I mean, if the economy was ultimately God’s idea, then heaven shouldn’t be devoid of it. Don’t saints buy and sell?

6. If there is an economy, what are the various aspects of it? There probably wouldn’t be much construction work going on when all the saints have gathered for all eternity. So what others could there be? Agriculture? Media? Technology? Finance? Literature? Art? Commerce? Food? Fashion? Would the saints just be sitting idle playing with animals and trees and waiting for the next worship session?

7. Speaking of fashion, would we be in white robes for all eternity? Talk about hardcore minimalism. Ummm, Jesus, what would happen to fashion? I like pants, dungarees, shirts, jackets, trench coats, SHOES, perfume. I mean, robes and tunics are nice but they are not my style. Will high heel shoes, boots and brogues disappear from existence in heaven? Will we all be relegated to forever wearing robes and sandals? I shudder at the thought.

8. I am mischievous. So I want to look for people’s trouble, fart and run away. Would I be able to do that?

9. Will there be food in heaven? I may be picky, but I love food. Will there be parties, wine, loud GOSPEL music, car races, sunglasses, leather jackets and power bikes, beaches?

C’mon God. If man in all his frailty, flawed imagination and limitations could have created Barcelona, Rome, New York, London, Dubai, Venice, Sun City, Jerusalem, Washington, Seattle, Chicago, Rio de Janeiro, Aspen, Athens and all the beautiful cities of the earth, then I am confident that heaven must be an even better masterpiece.

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Utopia.

A RAT!!!


Dear Diary,
 
    On Sunday I trapped a tiny rat that had been bugging my life for days in a bucket by leaving food in the bucket. The rat jumped in and ate the food but couldn’t jump out.
      I left the rat to die, but Monday evening, I’m back from work but the rat isn’t dead. Still trying to jump out. So what do I do?

I flush the rat down the toilet.

Something told me I shouldn’t have done that. I should have killed that rat with dignity, not so dishonourably. What if it went down the drain and emerged as a mutant man-eating rodent aiming for revenge?

Oh my.

Today.
Tuesday. 4:15am. I’m up, I iron for work and then decide to take a leak.

I’m minding my own business peeing. Next thing, Mr Drowned in the toilet Rat speeds out from that hole in the ground where water is supposed to disappear into when you take a bath.

I freak out. 

pee on myself a bit.

The rat is gone.
Waited for me to show up and then decided to show itself.

It is alive and plotting its revenge.

MEANWHILE

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What in God’s name does Kcee think he’s doing in this?

Comments kept rolling in when I put this up as my BlackBerry Messenger display picture.
“He’s a bloody fag!!”
“Who be dis confused goat?”
“No be Kcee be dis? With all him money he no fit hire stylist”

First, what kind of people do I have as contacts? Dear Lord.

Secondly. This isn’t confused or gay. It is intentional. Its intention is deeply rooted in the fact that this here man, is VERY IGBO. The opposite of Emmy Collins extreme kind of Igbo. The type that has so much money but no taste (whereas Emmy has no money…and very weird (pink) taste). So in his mind, he is very fashionable right now in this pink getup. So he is very stylish…NOT.

Please someone get him a stylist.

On Being Caught in the Middle of a Mob Fight


Dear Diary,

        I was at Orile on Wednesday. As I got there, a young thug started beating a young lady up, and she was not having it. She kicked back, screaming and clawing at him. He kept pummelling her, in public. You know how public Orile is. Next thing you know, a bigger thug tore off his shirt and started beating the younger thug. He punched him, pushed him in front of cars, thankfully the traffic was tight so the cars weren’t moving any faster than freshly-fed anacondas. 

A crowd gathered to watch the spectacle, and before I knew what it, everyone started beating each other up. Punches were thrown without a care, spit flew in every direction, bags and shoes were hurled at people. It was a freak show.

And there I was caught in the middle of it.

How I managed to escape the mob action is a miracle.
When I managed to crawl out from the middle of the action without a scratch or being pulled back in, I saw a couple of Police Officers standing by, watching the action and laughing.

The Nerve!!!

THE END!!!

On Psquare’s Testimony Lyrics


Now Dear Diary,

Today we will talk lyrics. Psquare. Testimony.

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     Let us talk about the lyrics of this hit song and try to explain them to see if they make sense in reality, or not.

So the chorus says
Now I’m giving my testimony o“. Hence Peter and Paul have gone through some hard times and have emerged victorious and are here to encourage us with their testimony.
I’m killing the beat and i’m giving them hit o…eeeeh“. Well, they are hip artists and they create hit music from whatever beat comes their way. Good for them.
Now i’m giving them everything o…oooo
I’m not quite sure what everything is in this context. Perhaps, they mean that like Mary J Blige and other soul singer (which they are not), they put their entire heart into their art and performances and leave their soul on the stage after each performance.

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I’m only saying. Perhaps. I’ve never been to an actual Psquare concert.
I’m living my life, I don chop money….eh eh eh!
For all the non-speakers of Nigerian Pidgin, this means that they are living large and lavishly. 
I don taste money…eeeeh eh!
They have tasted the good life. Good for them.

VERSE 1
My guy I’m allergic to poverty (you say wetin)
They address the listener and inform him…(my guy) that they are allergic to poverty. Although, I wonder how true that is. Weren’t they like, really poor before they broke into the limelight? Maybe not, cause they are allergic to it, because they’ve never experienced it.
So I’m using my sense to dey gather the properties eh!
They are investing in real estate…with their senses???
(okay naw)…
“No time o
They cannot slack or be dull.
Like the statue of liberty. Nobody knows tomorrow
I still don’t get the point of this. I mean, I get that no one knows the future so they are making hay while the sun shines. But what has the stature of Liberty got to do with this. Maybe they just wanted to rhyme so bad, with properties. Hence, the stature of liberty.

Totally senseless.

So I’ll be holding my destiny eeeeh!”
Yeah…

PRE-CHORUS
As e be say na jungle o…oooo
Some people dey bubble o….eh!
I continue the struggle o…oooo
The struggle dey double my hustle o….eh!”

I guess this could be that some people are living well despite the tough economic situation in the country. And they (Psquare) are continuing their hustle to avoid falling beneath the desired standard of living to which they have become accustomed.

HOOK
“Na my testimony, testimony, my testimony
I don chop, i don taste money….eeeeh!
I don taste money….eeeeh!
Na my testimony, testimony, my testimony
I don chop, i don taste money….eeeeh!
I don taste money….eeeeh!”

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This is their testimony. They are rich and they live quite well. Basically!

Je m’appelle chop money eh eh!

Their name is ‘chop money’.

VERSE 2
Eh!
It’s good to be saving for raining days (na so)
Cause e no easy eh!
Life is a daily cake….oooo
So make una see me as evidence
Baba God na my confidence
His blessings are endless o eh!”

Ok, this is tricky. First, it is imperative to save and invest because life is tough. The life is a daily cake part, I don’t get it. But their lives are evident to the fact that in God lies their confidence and He blesses them endlessly.

So basically, they live well and they save sensibly and they trust in God to keep blessing them continually as they churn out hits, make money, live well and keep saving and investing sensibly.

Ok the truth is, at the beginning I was out to tear down the song as senseless and stupid. But it so turns out that it is a pretty good message.

1. Do your work or business well
2. Live well
3. But save and invest wisely
4. Trust God to keep blessing the works of your hands.

Good job. Except for the stature of liberty part.

On Being Stylish and Being a Label Whore


Dear Diary,

       On Being Stylish and Being a Label Whore
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Fashion is the art and act of putting clothes on most importantly to cover our nakedness,
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or not.

Fashion then performs other functions such as seduces people, tells people you’re a student or engineer or doctor or rich or a night walker or ‘stylish’ or whatever.

Fine.
But I don’t get why wearing designer pieces is such a fad.

Ok no, I take that back. I do. I would totally kill for a Burberry Trench, Bally shoes and all BVLGARI perfumes.

What I don’t get is why people have to TELL me (most likely with a fake accent) they are wearing designer pieces. Why?
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WHY?

Does it necessarily make you more fashionable?

What really does it say about you?
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Isn’t  the point of wearing FASHION to look good? So if I look good in my nameless outfit and you look equally as good in your Ralph Lauren or Tzar by Ian, does it make you better than me in some way?

Please explain.

People who wear watches they buy from Mallams and people who wear,N100,000 pure white Céline watches, don’t they both tell the same time? Abi does the Céline watch tell you the time of rapture?

I am not anti-designers o. Don’t get me wrong. I have a friend who is going to be the next Calvin Klein, Céline, Narcisso Rodriguez and Stella McCartney. How do I know all of these? Well, I was given a solid education on minimalist fashion designers and the art of minimalism in fashion. So I know and appreciate fashion. What I do not appreciate is placing so much premium on the name one wears over the actual clothes they wear regardless of whether the clothes fit or not.

Maybe I am just ignorant. But I am always open to be educated. So please educate me someone.
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Why Do Pastors Pray Over New Cars?


Dear Diary,

     On the Nigerian tradition of getting Pastoral blessing on brand new purchased cars, I write.

Why?
Why do we do that? Why do we call our Pastors to bless our cars whenever we buy them? I find it fundamentally wrong and misguided.

No matter how expensive a car is, it still remains a material possession. Do we call our Pastors to bless all other materials purchases we make such as socks, paintings, jewellery, clothes, cooking utensils and TVs? Why is the car any different?

Is it because of the social status we place on automobiles and the people who purchase them?
Someone tell me why we
1. Call the Pastor to bless our new cars.
2. Don’t call the Pastor to bless every other thing we purchase. If we really valued his blessing, we might as well go the entire way, get the man of God to bless every recharge card voucher before we load it in our phones.

I like you. Say yes or No.


If I’m gonna confess how I feel about you to you, be mature and accept or decline. Do not make stupid jokes about it. =|

Imagine telling someone you like them and all they have to say is “It’s just a crush, not a matter for litigation. It will pass. *wine emoticon*

Don’t you just wanna smash their heads in?

I do.

But she’s a girl.

Feminists and the rest of society would have my head.

Bad joke gone viral, thanks for nothing fat man


Dear Diary,

There’s this fat man with a walking stick that keeps coming to my office, not sure what he keeps coming for, but he does. And every time he comes he would crack this very unfunny joke to me;

“When is the flight? I thought you said I should come, I waited and waited and then they told me the flight has already left. Why now?”

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It was really not funny or sensible to me, considering the fact that I do not work with any airline…amongst other reasons. But after some time, I got that he was trying to be pleasant, and then gradually this his banal flight joke became funny.

It was endearing the first time.

The second time, it was funny.

The third time, it started to lose its comedy to me, but I stayed smiling.

He has used the same flight joke on me more than 15 times since then. And every time he does, I’m like

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I prayed he would stop.
Then one day I went to another department to do some work stuff, I met him there, fat man with his walking stick and briefcase. And to my dismay, he was using our flight joke on someone else.

*sniffs*

I was hurt.

Why the hell was I hurt, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you why.
That joke was drab, banal and stupid, but it was OUR stupid banal joke. It was supposed to be our special banal joke but he was using it on someone else. Of course I felt betrayed. I am only human.

You don’t use our special joke on someone else. You don’t!!
You just dont!!!

Now whenever he tries that stupid joke on me, I don’t smile, fake smile or laugh. I go straight to “Good day sir, can I help you?”

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