What is Talent anyway?


Dear Diary,

 

I don’t believe all God-given talents are arts-inclined. I haven’t given this much thought before though, but whenever anyone complains to me that they have no talent, they often mean that they cannot sing, dance, sculpt, paint, design or be funny. I really want to tell them that talents are many and varied far beyond the arts but I have grown up in a society that only defines talent as God-given artistic or athletic abilities.

What other talents are there?

Media today has spurned numerous ‘talent’ shows. Basically, these focus on singing and dancing. Then of course there are the fashion designer competition shows, the cooking shows. There are the actors and the other movie/play making related vocations, there are the writers, the painters, the photographers.

What else am I not yet saying?

Models, well, theirs is really no a talent, is it?

I mean, is it a talent to be beautiful and have a great body? For every model we know, there are about a million others we do not know with better bodies, but they are not models. If every pretty girl or jock with a stunning body decided to become a model, I think there would be a problem. There wouldn’t be enough runways for them.

 

Anyway, apart from these ‘showbiz’ talents, what others are there? This is not me trying to give a blogger’s to society’s questions. This is me asking the society to educate me.

So PLEASE, educate me. What other talents are there?

9 Thoughts of an Amazing Nigerian Blogger Boy.


1.   Lagbaja has refused to show his face still. I kinda respect him for that. Or did he open his face at some point in time when I wasn’t looking?
Ego has hereby faded into oblivion. Where did she go sef? Why did she leave Lagbaja?
Ego???

2. D’Banj basically has become a useless whats-his-face without Don Jazzy. Now Don Jazzy is making all the hits with Tiwa Savage and D’Banj must be somewhere out there in the cold, gnashing his teeth, drinking his Koko garri with salt and fish, Or just an energy drink, wishing, just wishing. 

3. Me too I want to do song with Don Jazzy o. Anyone who reads this and knows someone who knows someone that knows him should link us up o. Please. I can be a great star and I am forever loyal.

4. Where on earth is Tara Reid?

5. I had a dream, did a music video with Phyno, the name of the song was………..wait for it………..’Bitch Face’.

Don’t judge me.

6. I will soon start posting videos on Youtube. Videos of me singing of course.
Watch out!!!

7. I think Nigeria is the only country in the world without steady (or close to steady) power supply. I haven’t Googled it. I don’t think I need to. Just tell me if I’m right or wrong. But I feel I’m right. This country is a jungle.

8. I shouted at one man at the International Airport Immigration desk on my return to Lagos. He tried to skip the line and I went out of my way to cause a scene shouting down daggers and thunderbolts on the man. At some point he started to cuss in Yoruba and from the depths of my soul I raged “SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! AT YOUR AGE YOU CANNOT SET A GOOD EXAMPLE BY STANDING IN LINE. FILTHY IMBECILE!!! IDIOTS LIKE YOU GIVE NIGERIA A BAD NAME!!!!

When I was done, the incredible hulk vanished and the immigration officials came begging me to calm down, and of course they made sure the ugly eel was attended to last. And I left smiling, fine as ever.

9. This morning, while I was walking to work, the Federal Road Safety Corps stopped me and tried to arrest me. I asked them why, seeing as I was WALKING, they told me I was too fine to be walking the streets thereby constituting a hazard to those driving past who may be in too much awe of my presence and crash into a pole or other not-so-glorious pedestrians.

*puts on sunshades*
*adjusts shirt*

If only.


Dear Diary,

       So here’s an interesting story. I got to South Africa to compete in a TV music game show…and failed spectacularly.

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At this moment, I’m simply trying to feel something. I’m sure I will soon. Just not yet. And I am yearning to feel something; hurt, disappointment, gratitude, shame, tears, anything. Maybe I need to process this with time.

But before I start feeling any or all of those, here’s what I know firsthand

1. It is a learning experience. Granted, the song I sang wasn’t my strongest, definitely not the intended way I would have sang it. But I did. And I’m gonna learn from it. Maybe write an album. Be stronger. Bolder.

2. It is never the end. I am gonna be a singer. The fact that I got voted off a show doesn’t mean I have no talent or I’m less amazing. I know who I am, what I have and can do. And now I will fight uninhibitedly to do what I love to do and can do. Sing.

3. I think I needed this fail more than a win. I really do. I kinda almost expected to get this on a platter of gold, no matter how nervous I was about doing this. Now as I said before, I’m gonna think long and hard. And I’m gonna learn something from this. Not sure what yet. But I will. I will not make excuses. Destiny depends on me.

Now I have to go. I feel something welling up in my inside.

Maybe it’s the tears.

I don’t even know what to say at this point.

Dear Sir, I Quit!!


Dear Diary,

     Why is everyone quitting their jobs?

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Did everyone else but me just decide they deserve better than what they’ve been given at their respective places of work and all decided to go gangsta and QUIT?

Was with Kayito last night waiting to see The Think Like A Man Too movie and we got talking. He told me he up and quit his job, basically cause his boss is a ‘B’ word, amongst other reasons. He’s gotten other offers already, you know, being quite useful in fashion and all…you get those coming on the regular. And I was relaying to him my own job woes and the possibility of doing the same.

Then Jim, a mutual friend of ours ran into us, after all these years, and the first thing that he blurted out was “I just quit my job!”

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You can imagine the look that would have been on my face at that moment.

But wait though…

What are we, a generation of quitters?

Dayo told me he quit his job in Abuja.
Stacey quit hers too, to follow her dream. 
Joshua, our friend, well, his right hand quit being useful to him when he was involved in a terrible car accident recently. But that’s only temporary because it has agreed to come back to work as long as it has finished enjoying its sick leave.

But what the actual hell is going on here? Why is we all quitting, honey?

Of course after hearing Jim’s numerous reasons for quitting, it seemed justified, and we gave him the Oprah hug….you know…..that one where you think she wants to hug you but as soon as you lean in for the hug she grabs both your hands instead, squeezes them while she’s shaking you vigorously and saying in that her deep voice “Good for You! Good for You!!!”

It’s official. The Oprah hug is now a thing!!!

Dayo has another offer in France. Good for him!!

Kayito has another job offer he’s starting off with soon. Good for him!!!

Jim, hasn’t gotten any offer flying around his head waiting for him. But I’m sure he’ll get something soon. He’s very hard-working. So he needs to use this period wisely to get the old work blues and worked up issues out his system so he can be ready for whatever newness God has for him. Then it will be Good for him.

I hope Stacey finds fulfilment and is able to pay her bills too.

And Joshua’s hand. Well…it’ll be back shortly, so, Good for Josh!!!

Me?

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Well, I’m still thinking about it. I have life fright and attachment issues. But I know I will do what is best for me real soon.

#Nigeria


Dear Diary,

        It is no news that Nigeria is in a state of disrepair. Utter lawlessness abounds within the ranks of those who are to enforce the law; this morning, soldiers set 4 BRT buses ablaze because one of their comrades on his bike was knocked down by a BRT bus.

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Please help me ask them what the man was doing on the BRT lane.

Confab had a protracted meeting and all they could come up with was to add 18 new states to the 36 on ground that the Federation is bursting at the seams trying to keep from breaking into pieces from the whole nation. And one of the delegates said the name ‘Nigeria’ should be changed to ‘Airegin’.

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What is this? Game of Thrones?

Why on earth do we need new States? New parastatals? Why does everyone want to be Oga? Why do we abuse power, right from the lowest security guard to the Presidency? Isn’t that the reason why I work in the Aviation Industry where all the Government agencies are separated for no concrete sensible reason; NAMA, FAAN, NCAA, AIB? Why can’t they all just be one controlling-regulating body like it’s done in other countries of the world?

Twitter is abuzz with criticisms, the Government remains forever an information hoarder. Nigerians want to know really what the deal is with the kidnapped girls, the terrorist attacks, because now we know it isn’t a religious crisis. Muslims suffer as well in the onslaught.

Many people I know are ‘checking out’. Nigerians are cutting off limbs, heads and genitals to secure UK, Canadian and American visas.  There is no real sense of safety here. You may wake one morning with hopes and plans and just get blown up to eternity while running an errand before the day runs out.
Is that a way to live?

They say we should be the change we want to see. How in practical terms do we do that? Is it hard? We know it’s hard, but how hard is it really, cause I don’t wanna have to die for Nigeria my country?! Nigerians are nothing like ants. We aren’t bound together by a common aim. We are more like cockroaches; everyone seeking their own personal better. If one dies, we climb over the unfortunate fallen one and continue trying to get our own better.

Is this really a way to live?

Uwa mmebi


Dear Diary,

      OMG.
Remember Jeremy Meeks, the guy they arrested and took a mugshot that has now become the cover shot for sexy criminals all over the world? The one with the steely ice blue stare, the tattoos and the high cheekbones?

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Yeah. Him.

Apparently now he has a modelling contract.

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LoL. Uwa mmebi

They are even contacting designers to provide him with clothes for his court appearances to help with public opinion. Public opinion? I mean, half of the ladies in the world already are hot for him. He could strut out to that courtroom stand in an orange jumpsuit and handcuffs and his public opinion would remain unscathed.

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God help him if members of the jury are old Jehovah’s Witness men. He is finished.
Let him shaa finish his court wahala.  

Good things happen to unfortunate people.

SPEAKING OF WHICH

A man Viktor Jasinski, 32 went to rob a hair salon in Meshchovsk, Russia. The female owner of the salon, Olga Zajac, 28, an expert karate fighter allegedly overpowered the would-be robber with a single kick, stripped him naked and, for the next three days, used him as a sex slave to ‘teach him a lesson’ – force feeding him Viagra to keep the lesson going.

Boy did she teach him!!!
When she did release him, he had the nerve to run to the police to report the rape and admitted his intention of robbing the salon. Now they are both arrested, he for attempted robbery and she for rape.

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LoL.
Uwa mmebi.


Dear Diary,

1. Distance yourself from anyone that tells you that there are too many onion slices in your stew. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life. You can never, I repeat, YOU CAN NEVER cook with too many onions. Or crayfish or pepper or whatever it is you like.

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2. Never show up as a house guest without a little gift. Your mother raised you better than that. But in the event that she didn’t, you can always get re-educated. A bottle of wine for TV or heart-to-heart talk, ice cream for a girlfriend or mother with kids, perfume for someone you hope will like you, apples for the health enthusiast, suya for no good reason…or sleep-overs, chicken for vegetarians just to piss ’em off. Or chocolates, flowers, a diamond ring, chewing gum.

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3. The guy sitting beside me is chewing his food like a camel. Should I slap him?

4. For Goodness sake, let us not kill Christmas finally!! Get a tree this year, wrap a gift for a sibling or parent and put their name on the wrap on the night of Christmas Eve and hide it under the tree, and on Christmas morning watch the light in their eyes as they unwrap their vintage earmuffs or whatever utterly unnecessary gift you choose to get.

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5. Tonight say a prayer for the girls still missing from the Chibok village. A little prayer will go a long way.

6. If your parents never taught you by example to go after your dream, teach yourself.

7. Forget what I said that you can never cook with too much pepper. You can. And if you do, please do not invite me because after I ingest all that pepper I will curse you and DIE.

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8. Lagos would have been a nicer city if it was planned. But it wasn’t. So it isn’t. So Seattle or New York for me please.

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9. I have a crush on one of my bosses. Is that allowed?

10. The Holy Spirit is a person, not a thing…and definitely not a dove. A ‘He’, not an ‘it’. So treat him like someone with feelings, because He has feelings.

Lagos Beggars.


Dear Diary,

There is this little boy who begs on the Ikeja road to the airport. He twists his right hand to look deformed. Not a very good attempt, if you ask me.

It cracks me up really.
Maybe I should take a photo.

I have looked at him closely, there is no burn or deformity there. I have even seen him at unguarded moments when his ‘deformed’ hand isn’t so deformed anymore.
Then I pity him. He couldn’t possibly have decided to stand on the road begging, could he?

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Begging in Lagos….and the rest of Nigeria has become a lucrative business. In Calabar, they used to bring them in vans to beg early in the morning and at night they’d be whisked away to submit the proceeds of the day to whoever their pimp is. I hope the State Government has been able to do something about it.

There’s the lady with the pepertual scowl on her face still here in Ikeja under the bridge. Since I started working here at the airport in 2012 till now, I see her everyday quoting the same not-so-sad-anymore story “please help me, my mother is dying. She’s at the General Hospital.” I used to give her money but now I’ve grown weary of her. One time I actually asked her “Your mama never die yet?”

Then there are the others who beg and take phone calls with rather fancy phones that I don’t even use.

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There’s this man I met at Oshodi who was begging every and anyone for N20 to add to his money to pay his fare to Obalende. He’d been begging everyone and still begging me. So I told him “oya come let me pay the bus fare for you. Enter the bus!” He shouted at me o. He told me to not spoil his market if I do not want to give him money.
Girl, I ran away o. Before I will just see a Nigerian movie play out in front of me where his fellow beggars will surround me and beat me.

Let’s not forget the “corporate beggars.”

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Makes me feel bad for those genuine beggars who have nothing. Cause I hardly want to give to any of them.

DESPERADO


Dear Diary,

     Still in the Throwback spirit, let’s talk old movies.

Desperado

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You know how when you’re a child all movies are either superbly amazing or just plain boring…and when you grow up to see those movies again they are either still amazing or more terrible, sometimes they switch from being boring to pretty amazing because now you understand what exactly is going on there.

Well, Desperado moved from amazing to CRAPPY AS HELL!!!!

So, I was at Ego’s place…again.

At this point, let me state for the record that I am not attached to her apron strings. I don’t go there a lot as you may be inclined to think actually. But whenever I do, there always seems to be a story to tell afterwards.

So I was there, and I turned on the TV, Desperado was about to begin. I was excited. I remember when I first saw it as a street urchin hanging outside one of our rich neighbours ‘ door. This was sometime around Aaliyah’s death, big screen TVs were becoming a thing of status. Mr Cordelia’s father Smart just bought a big screen TV and we the neighbourhood children were in awe of him and our parents were naturally green with envy.
Mr and Mrs Cordelia’s parents knew the street children loved to hang around to watch TV and they generously left their door open for all of us scruffy urchins to watch from outside. Desperado was showing, I just had to stand outside the open door to watch it.

It was everything a young boy with hopes of being a badass swashbuckling badass could be.
Gunslinging skill, check.

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Pretty woman by his side, check.
Mexico, check.

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Explosions, check.

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Blood, check.

It was the Latino “The Good, The Bad & The Ugly”

I mean!!!!

Antonio Banderas was the Latin Chuck Norris, Bruce Willis, Van Damme and Jet Li all in one. Desperado was the movie of the century as far as I was concerned.

Fast forward 13 years after, Desperado is about to show again. I want to relive those childhood moments of adrenaline and nostalgia and everything. So I wait. The movie starts. I wait. The movie is half an hour in. I wait. The movie is halfway through to the end. I’m rolling my eyes vigorously. Still waiting. The movie’s idea of a climax has approached. I wait. The climax has happened. I am painfully disappointed. Still, I wait. Maybe there’s hope in the end. I wait. The movie ends. I feel like I solicited the services of an old prostitute with herpes. All my waiting.

For nothing.

Desperado has come and gone and all I could see was Telemundo, Telemundo, Telemundo. Overdramatic, Latin music, terrible acting, poor plot play, Salma Hayek in all her début hotness with the 2 different coloured shoes she wore, Antonio Banderas is actually quite a terrible actor when you really think about it, Telemundo, more Telemundo.

Now I’m afraid to see Mask of Zorro again because I don’t want to hate it as much as I now hate Desperado. Let my childhood memories be left intact.